In honor of the basketball season tipping off, I present another "Office" parody-transcript-rewrite to show one possible scenario for how the Izzo-to-Cavaliers situation may have played out in the MSU Athletic Department over the summer. This is based on the "Branch Wars" episode where Karen tries to hire Stanley away from the Scranton branch. Hollis = Michael Scott, Izzo = Stanley, Dan Gilbert = Karen, Greg Ianni (Ass. AD) = Dwight, and Dantonio = Jim.
Season 15, Episode 2
Scene: Cleveland Cavaliers offices.
Rolando: [on phone] Cleveland Cavaliers, this is Rolando. Oh yes, he's been expecting your call. [knocks on door]
Dan Gilbert: Yeah.
Rolando: Dan? He's on line one.
Gilbert: Thanks Ro. [on phone] Hey, we finally connected. How's East Lansing?
Gilbert speaking directly into camera.
I am the owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers. Turns out it's a pretty easy gig when you're independently rich and you have the best basketball player in the world on your team.
Gilbert: [still on phone] Look, all I'm saying is it would be a great opportunity, and we'd love to have you come aboard. So think about it, okay? Okay, bye.
Scene: MSU – inside Mark Hollis's office.
Mark Hollis: This is perfect.
Greg Ianni: He looks like your twin.
Hollis: [to camera] This is a dummy, a la Ferris Bueller's Day Off. We have tied a string to the wrist, which goes to the door. When somebody opens the door, the hand goes down, hits the remote, turns on the tape recorder, which is me snoring. Now nobody knows whether I am here, or whether I am gone.
Ianni: I will know.
Hollis: But, you will not tell anyone.
Ianni: I won't need to because we'll be together playing hooky. Yeah.
Hollis: Well, sometimes. Most of the time I will be with Dantonio, or Schager. [knock on the door] Yes? Oh good, good, Tom! First victim, this is what I want you to do. Go out, come back in. We're going to hide. I want you to tell me if this looks like me, okay?
Tom Izzo: I don't understand why sleeping at your desk is better than you not being here.
Hollis: Just go out, and come back in.
Izzo: I got an offer from the Cleveland Cavaliers for more money, and I'm going to take it.
Scene: MSU – Hollis addressing the Athletics Department.
Hollis: Hey everyone, can I have your attention please? I just thought you all should know that Tom Izzo is planning on leaving us, because our old friend and alum Dan Gilbert from the Cleveland Cavaliers is going to give him more money to coach there.
Hollis: No, no, no, no, no-no, no, no. You completely misinterpreted my tone, this is a horrible thing. Clearly, Dan is trying to get back at MSU because Chuck Sleeper gave him such crappy seats at Ford Field last year.
Sleeper: Oh, I don't think that is what's happening.
Hollis: Okay, smarty pants, then why? Why is he trying to take Tom from us?
Izzo: I think it's because of my Final Four record.
Hollis: That could not possibly be it.
Hollis speaking directly into camera
You cannot take the hilarious Yooper from the office. Tom is part of what makes this department so extraordinary. The northwoods wisdom, the sassy remarks, the pasties, the smile, that hoarse voice. I don't know how Nancy Pelosi did it when Stupak announced he was leaving Congress, and if the Cavs think that they are going to poach Tom, they have another thing coming.
Scene: Inside Hollis's office. Izzo is sitting across from Hollis.
Hollis: How can I get you to stay?
Izzo: Well, they're offering me $30 million over 5 years.
Hollis: Yeah, we all want money. But there is none in our budget and you know we can't get into a bidding war with an NBA team, so... tell me why you're really leaving.
Hollis: Mo money, mo problems, Tom. You of all people should know that. Let me ask you this, if I were-
Hollis: Pssh, kay.
Scene: Inside Hollis's office. Hollis is on the phone.
Gilbert: [over speakerphone] Hello?
Hollis: Gilberrino, how's it hanging?
Hollis: To the left?
Gilbert: Listen, I-
Hollis: To the right?
Hollis: Okay, enough small talk, go ahead.
Gilbert: You called me.
Hollis: Yes, listen, um... You cannot tear Tom from his family like this.
Gilbert: I'm pretty sure his family's coming with him.
Hollis: No, his Spartan family. Look, this is very hard for me, but I'm going to give you my best man. You may have Kevin Pauga.
Gilbert: Kevin's not a coach.
Hollis: You can train him. He's very very smart, and funny, and charming... You know, I can't do it, that - that was a bluff, um... Listen, if you are going to poach one of my guys, I'm going to poach one of yours.
Gilbert: Oooh. Good-bye Mark.
Hollis: Okay, good-bye. Wait! Wait! Dan, could you transfer me to one of your assistant coaches please? Your best one? [Gilbert hangs up]
Scene: Inside Hollis's office. Sue Dyer enters.
Sue Dyer: I have Chris Jent on the line, he is the top assistant coach on Cleveland's staff.
Hollis: [presses speakerphone button] Hi Chris, Mark Hollis.
Chris Jent: Hi Mark.
Hollis: I'm going to cut right to the chase here. Do you like magic? Because I'm a genie in a bottle, and I'm going to grant you three wishes. To move to East Lansing, to have a great job, and to be my new best friend.
Jent: Aren't you the guy that wanted to change MSU's logo to that weird seahorse-looking thing? [Sue giggles]
Hollis: [to Sue] Get out. [to Chris] Uh, yeah. I also organized the world's largest hockey game at Spartan Stadium, but I guess that's not as grabby.
Jent: Everyone says Michigan is even worse than Ohio. Didn't like half of your football team get suspended last year?
Hollis: No, I expelled them, and you're next. ... So what do you say?
Hollis speaking directly into camera.
What is that guy talking about? Michigan is not lame, especially East Lansing. East Lansing is a cool, fun town. We're like Animal House.
Scene: Film room inside Duffy Daugherty Building.
Ianni: Found him!
Hollis: Mark, we're getting crapped on. Word is that East Lansing sucks, and we have to do something about it.
Mark Dantonio: So what are you going to do?
Hollis: What are we going to do? We are going to get a monster football recruit, that's what we're going to do. DeAnthony Arnett just said he's strongly leaning toward MSU.
Dantonio: Did he?
Hollis: Yes he did, oh yes he did, and we are going to murder it. You, me, and Ianni are going to jump into my PT Cruiser, and we're going to crush this recruiting pitch.
Scene: Inside the PT Cruiser. Hollis driving, Dantonio riding shotgun, Ianni sitting in middle of the backseat.
Dantonio: We just passed the exit for 69-East.
Hollis: What? What? We did?
Ianni and Hollis: Surprise! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Hollis: Look at his face! Look at his face!
Dantonio: What are we doing?
Hollis: What are we doing, Greg, what we are doing?
Ianni: Well, gee, Mark, I don't know, I guess there's no recruiting pitch today.
Hollis: We are going on a panty raid to Cleveland, is what we're doing.
Dantonio: We're going to Cleveland?
Dantonio: I'm not going to Cleveland right now.
Hollis: Yes you are. [reaches for Dantonio's seatbelt] Oh, buckle up, Mark!
Hollis: We are going to make Gilbert wish that he had never even gone to MSU.
Ianni and Hollis: [chanting] Cleveland! Cleveland! Cleveland!
Hollis: In your face!
Dantonio: I can't believe you guys. I'm not going to go further piss off a wealthy Spartan alum. [takes out cell phone]
Hollis: Are you calling Gilbert?
Dantonio: No, I'm not calling Gilbert. I don't even have his number.
Ianni: He's lying.
Hollis: Yep, get it.
Dantonio: What are you doing? Stop it, Greg!
Ianni: [throws Dantonio's cell phone out the window] Gah-ah-hah-ha!
Dantonio: Are you kidding me?
Ianni: No communication with the outside world, Coach.
Hollis: It had to be done, it had to be done.
Dantonio: Well, that kind of sucks, because it had all the phone numbers for the recruits we're targeting for next year's class.
Ianni: Oh no, that is too bad. Shoot.
Scene: Side of highway. Hollis, Ianni, and Dantonio searching for phone.
Hollis: Hey Greg, he found it.
Dantonio: You know what? I'm just going to call a cab from here.
Hollis: Alright, you're going to miss the best prank ever.
Dantonio: Alright. Wait, what are you planning on doing?
Hollis: Do you really wanna know?
Dantonio: Oh, God. [hangs up phone]
Hollis: Follow me, come here. Here's what we brought, we brought some custodian outfits from the Physical Plant. We're going to shut the hot water off in the locker room. I brought silly string, Ianni brought gasoline and chunks of rubber to make stink bombs.
Ianni: Or real bombs.
Hollis: No, no, not real bombs.
Ianni: Yeah, come on, it will be so badass.
Hollis: Uh, maybe, maybe, I don't know.
Hollis: It could be badass. Yeah, it will.
Dantonio: No, no absolutely we are not doing this.
Ianni: Come on, I already filled the bottles with the gas, it's going to be so badass.
Dantonio: Are you kidding me? We've been driving around with this stuff in the trunk the whole time?
Hollis: That'll teach him to offer Izzo more money.
Dantonio speaking directly into camera.
So the deal was, Ianni doesn't blow anything up, and I wear a costume. And a moustache.
Scene: Inside the car, parked outside Quicken Loans Arena. Hollis, Ianni, and Dantonio are wearing the custodian outfits and fake moustaches.
Dantonio: I can't believe we're here, I can't believe this is happening.
Ianni: Believe it.
Hollis: Afro wig, do you want the afro wig?
Dantonio: No, Mark. I'm not leaving the car.
Hollis: Yeah, Greg, here's how it's going to go down. You and I-
Dantonio: Guy's going by. Shh.
Hollis: [whispering] You and I are going to sneak inside and pretend that we are custodians at The Q. And then we will shut off the water heater and silly string the beejeezus out of the locker room.
Ianni: And if we have to defend ourselves, I will stab the security guy in the eye with this jumbo chalk.
Dantonio: No, no, you won't do that. Nope.
Ianni: Then I'll take some of the leftover chalk dust from Lebron's pregame routine and blow it in his eyes.
Dantonio: Greg, nothing with the eyes, please?
Ianni: Okay, Coach. [Hollis and Ianni exit car]
Dantonio: [looking across parking lot] Oh my God, that's Gilbert! That's him, go, go, go.
Ianni: Let's move! Move, move, move, move!
Dantonio: Shut up, just, shut up! This is the dumbest thing we've ever done.
Scene: Back at MSU, Berkowitz Center.
Matt Larson: So, Tom, are you really outta here?
Izzo: Yep, looks that way.
Larson: I'm gonna miss you man, you've been like an uncle to me. Like a kind old uncle Toivo. I wanna stay in touch.
Scene: Dantonio by himself in the car, holding the walkie-talkie.
Hollis: [over walkie-talkie] We are in a stairwell.
Ianni: [over walkie-talkie] We are climbing some stairs. I'm breathing heavily.
Dantonio: [into walkie-talkie] Okay, you know what? You don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me.
Hollis: There's a guy, there's a guy.
Ianni: There's a security guard coming by. Hello, we're just janitors here at The Q. Would you like more proof?
Hollis: Oh my God, oh my God, that was very close.
Ianni: I can see the security guard's eyes.
Dantonio: No, no, don't do anything to them.
Ianni: I have to do something to his eyes. The eyes are the groin of the head.
Scene: Dantonio by himself in the car, several minutes later.
Dantonio: [into walkie-talkie] Alright, Big Hollister, if you got that heater turned off, just head on home.
Hollis: [over walkie-talkie] We found something far better, their crown jewel. The cold whirlpool from the training room.
Dantonio: Isn't that thing huge?
Hollis: It's enormous, but it's got wheels. We're wheeling it down the hall, into the stairwell. Get the car ready, keep the engine running.
Dantonio: No, that is a terrible idea, don't do this.
Hollis: Ahhhhh! [crashing]
Ianni: My hip bone!
Hollis: We're wedged between the whirlpool and the railing. Ah! Ow! Ow, my leg! Mark, leave us.
Ianni: Don't leave us!
Hollis: Save yourself!
Ianni: Don't leave us, help us, we need help, Coach!
Dantonio: Okay! First of all, stop using my name. And second of all-
Hollis: Greg, you gotta move!
Dantonio: Damn it guys!
Hollis: Greg, could you move over a little bit?
Ianni: I'm losing control of my bladder.
Dantonio: Oh my God, oh my God, Gilbert is back!
Ianni: Did you say Gilbert?
Hollis: Take him out to a movie, distract him for a while.
Dantonio: No, I'm not doing that.
Hollis: Just say you wanna get to know him better, Spartan to Spartan.
Dantonio: No, I'm not doing that!
Hollis: It doesn't have to mean anything. Just, do it for Izzo. Come on Mark, just split some popcorn and a Coke and think about Tom. Ahh, Mark, if this is it for me, promise me something… don't change the football uniforms again. [Gilbert walks up to window of the car]
Gilbert: Mark Dantonio?
Dantonio: Hey Dan.
Gilbert: Uh, what are you doing here in Cleveland?
Dantonio: First of all, hi. Not sure if you remember, we met at that one golf outing a couple summers ago.
Gilbert: What are you doing here?
Dantonio: You good? I'm just checking on some recruits up in this region. You know, gotta do that from time to time, so...
Hollis: [over walkie-talkie] Do not tell Gilbert about the whirlpool.
Dantonio: [into walkie-talkie] Copy that.
Scene: Inside Gilbert's office. Hollis, Ianni, and Dantonio are still in costume and sitting on a couch.
Gilbert: Let me ask you, did you accomplish what you wanted?
Ianni: Listen man, you can expect these kind of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.
Gilbert: I'm taking Tom.
Ianni: Then we will burn The Q to the ground.
Hollis: [whispers] Greg. Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our people that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Tom's head...we will burn The Q to the ground. [they get up to leave]
Scene: Back at MSU, Berkowitz Center. Hollis approaches Izzo.
Hollis: We tried and we failed. Tom, you may go. Here is a box, for your things, but I doubt that that box will be able to contain all the memories that you have of this place. Fly away sweet little bird, fly away and be free. Sue, I'm gonna need some help writing a want ad.
Scene: Hollis's office. Hollis is lying on his back on the floor. Sue Dyer is sitting with a notepad.
Hollis: Um, wanted: middle aged Yooper with sass. Big scratchy voice, bigger heart. [knock on the door] I can't do this.
Izzo: Mark? A word?
Hollis: [standing up] Of course.
Izzo: I've made a decision, I wanna stay here at MSU.
Izzo speaking directly into camera.
I was never really planning on leaving, I just felt like I owed it to myself and my family to consider it. How on earth did Hollis call my bluff? Did he bug my house or something? [laughs] Sometimes I say crazy things.
THE END – SPARTAN FOR LIFE