This is a little something for those of you who are fans of "The Office." After the announcement about the NCAA allegations at UM, some friends and I were joking that the situation in Ann Arbor was like the "Product Recall" episode of "The Office" (where the obscene watermark ends up on a bunch of paper that gets shipped out, then Michael goes into full panic mode trying to manage the situation). Taking it a step further, we got the transcript for that episode from officequotes.net (great time-wasting site, by the way) and modified it to fit the cast of characters at UM and the storyline of the allegations.
The full modified transcript is after the jump - enjoy.
Season 3, Episode 1
Conference room, UM Athletic Department
Mary Sue Coleman: Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime.
Dave Brandon: Cri-Man-Squa?
Mary Sue: Crisis Management Squad.
Mike Barwis: F and C, doubletime?
Mary Sue: Front and Center. Twice as fast as you would normally go. Any other questions?
Judy Van Horn: One more. Why are you talking like that?
Mary Sue: To save time, Judy.
Mike Barwis: Actually I think you could make the argument that it wastes time.
Dave Brandon: Yeah, he has a good point. I mean, for example, with the last thing you said, by the time you explained it, it actually took up more time.
Mary Sue: You know what? Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh! Forget it. Where is Rich Rodriguez?
Rich Rod: Here.
Mary Sue: Rich Rod. NCAA compliance. Your job. I really think you screwed the pooch on this one, Rich. Because of you, the entire athletic department is in jeopardy.
Rich Rod: [speaking into camera] Every offseason we're only supposed to practice eight hours a week and submit compliance forms to the NCAA. And of course the two years I blow it off, this happens.
Mary Sue: Dave, big fire in your house. Your coach, Rich Rodriguez, is said to have "failed to promote an atmosphere of compliance within the football program and failed to adequately monitor the duties and activities of quality control staff members, a graduate assistant coach and a student assistant coach, and the time limits for athletically related activities." We got kids coming into this program.
Dave Brandon: Yeah, I got a call out on that.
Mary Sue: No, no, no, no. Not good enough. This is a keystone athletic program. I want you in the football building. In person.
Dave: All right.
Mary Sue: I want you to bring a partner.
Judy Van Horn: I'll go.
Mary Sue: No, sweet cheeks. We need someone who actually knows what they're doing. Bill, you go.
Bill Martin: [English accent] William Dolittle at your service. A.K.A., Will Do.
Dave: Yeah, I'm definitely gonna go alone.
Mary Sue: No, no. I need two men on this. That's what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME! Guys, get on this. Frank, I want you to be in charge of the press conference.
Frank Beckmann: Yes! You are entering the "No Spin Zone!"
Judy Van Horn: We're having a press conference?
Mary Sue: No, Judy. The press is just gonna find out by themselves.
Beckmann: Not! [scoffs]
In the office, Jim Brandstatter trains UM coaches how to answer phone calls about the allegations
Jim Brandstatter: Look, I know the reason that you guys became coaches is because you're not good at public relations stuff and talking to donors. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers! So give yourselves a round of applause. [Brandstatter and John Beilein clap]
Kevin Borseth: I wonder how many phone calls you're missing while you're teaching us to answer calls.
Brandstatter: I know, right? Probably a lot.
Red Berenson: Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go?
Brandstatter: OK, Red. I love your enthusiasm. All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say "U of M Athletics, this is Jim!" Except don't say "Jim," say your own name. Or if you're bored, you can just make up a name. Like one time, I said I was Bridget Jones, [in an English accent] and I talked like this for the whole conversation!
Beilein: Oh! Can I be [horrible Australian accent] Australian, mate?
Brandstatter: [in accent] Absolutely!
Beilein: [in accent] 'ello, mate!
Brandstatter: [in accent] I like ice cream! I need a boyfriend.
Beilein: [in accent] I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies.
Berenson: [on phone with angry donor] Excuse me? Well, I don't see how that's Rich Rod's fault when the Compliance Office was withholding information from him. And I've already told you, the official position of the Athletic Department is apologetic, so I don't know what you want from me. [hangs up]
Brandstatter: OK, first, I just wanna say that you are doing sooo good. Look, you have so many good qualities, that the one that you might wanna work on is, apologizing?
Brandstatter: Ask where he's from.
Berenson: [on new phone call] Where are you from? Ohio? That's nice. So what do you want? [to Jim] He's upset about the NCAA allegations.
Brandstatter: OK, great. Now tell him that it was an unfortunate error, and we're doing everything we can do to fix it, and that you're sorry.
Berenson: [on phone] It was an unfortunate error. We're fixing it. And you already paid for your season tickets...
Brandstatter: And you're sorry.
Berenson: ...and the University has already apologized, so you can take that apology or not. [hangs up] [to Jim] I think he had Tourette's or something!
At Schembechler Hall, Michael Rosenberg arrives for the press conference
Beckmann: [to Athletic Department employees] Hey! [snaps twice] Look sharp! [to Rosenberg] Hey! Uh, Hi. Hello, Frank Beckmann.
Rosenberg: Hi, uh---
Beckmann: And you must be uh, from the Washington Post.
Rosenberg: Detroit Free Press. Michael Rosenberg. Sports writer.
Beckmann: And "Breaking Higher Education News."
Rosenberg: And part-time writer for Sports Illustrated.
Beckmann: Oh, dear God. OK, here are your credentials. You've been granted level three security clearance.
Beckmann: Don't get too excited, that's out of 20. Right this way. Athletic Director Dave Brandon and Football Coach Rich Rodriguez will be addressing the NCAA and others in the press room shortly. Have a seat, can I get you a beverage?
Rosenberg: Uh, yeah, I'd like uh, uh---
Beckmann: [shuts door on him] Great.
Press conference begins. Rosenberg is the only member of the media to attend. An official from the NCAA and Mrs. Forcier are the only other non-university officials in attendance.
Dave Brandon: And so, with the eyes of the nation upon us, I would like to say that the University of Michigan truly regrets this unfortunate incident. And, as a gesture of gratitude, for your thorough investigation, Mr. NCAA Official, I would like to present you with this novelty check, for season football tickets at The Big House in 2010.
Beckmann: [snaps picture with his camera phone] You look good in this.
Dave: So, let us consider this matter ended.
NCAA Official: Well it isn't ended. I'm... I'm disappointed with the University's actions. We -- we could impose sanctions.
Dave: I know, I know you're disappointed. And we are truly, truly sorry.
NCAA Official: I don't accept your apology. Monitoring kids during voluntary workouts, failing to submit forms, and requiring excess stretching was obscene and horrifying.
Dave: Well, we are extremely sorry.
NCAA Official: I don't accept.
Rich Rod: What can I do, for you?
Mrs. Forcier: I, for starters, I think that you should resign.
Rich Rod: Well... [exhales] OK, well... Umm, wasn't really my fault. The guys in the Compliance Office, the rogue assistants --
Mrs. Forcier: You're the head--
Rich Rod: The guys in the Compliance Office -- No no no!
Mrs. Forcier: You're the head of the football program!
Rich Rod: I'm the head of the football program?!
Mrs. Forcier: Yes, and that makes it your responsibility---
Rich Rod: No, I'm the coach, not the Athletic Director or the President or the Regents---
Mrs. Forcier: And so you should lose your job!
Rich Rod: No-- my-- OK, this is insane. You can get out of here. Get out!
Mrs. Forcier: Fine.
Rich Rod: That's insane. We'll give this novelty check to somebody who will appreciate it.
Mrs. Forcier: Mm-hmm.
Beckmann: It's non-transferable...
Rich Rod: Doesn't matter. Out please!
Mrs. Forcier: I'm calling ESPN, Big Ten Network, Sporting News...
Rich Rod: Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline! [to Michael Rosenberg] Did you get all that?
Michael Rosenberg: Everything.
Back in the office, post-press conference
Rich Rod: We gotta do something. [exhales] This is spinning out of control, Mary Sue. This is just, not...
Mary Sue: It's just the Freep...
Rich Rod: No, then Newsweek picks it up. And then CNN does a story about it. Then... YouTube gets a hold of it...
Mary Sue: You know what? I really think the whole thing is just gonna blow over in like a week or two.
Rich Rod: You're right. It will blow over. But it's not... going to take... a week or two. [pulls out a video camcorder] Do you know what this is for?
Mary Sue: [sighs] Yes.
Mary Sue: [speaking into camera] Rich Rod likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. He says he needs a woman's touch.
Rich Rod: [Frank Beckmann is spraying far too much hairspray into Rich Rod's hair] OK, I think that's good.
Rich Rod: [filming the apology video] "Hello. I am Rich Rodriguez, Head Coach of the University of Michigan football team. By now you are probably sick of hearing about the Michigan football team and our embarrassing excess practice boner. Let me tell you something. Something from the heart. I am not leaving this job. It will take a SWAT team, to remove me from this job, and maybe not even that."
Beckmann: Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team.
Rich Rod: That's how devoted I am to this job.
Beckmann: I'm just saying...
Rich Rod: I know.
Beckmann: They would flank you. Throw in a concussion grenade.
Rich Rod: I understand that, Frank.
Beckmann: You would be on the ground, blind, deaf, dumb.
Rich Rod: Do you think you're taking it a little... literally, Frank? And now we're wasting tape. I'm gonna have to cut this all out. Can you say cut?
Rich Rod: So I'll know where---
Mary Sue: Cut.
Rich Rod: I'm asking Mary Sue to do it, please.
Mary Sue: Cut.
Rich Rod: OK, ready?
Rich Rod: Five, four, three. "There is no way, I will resign. It wouldn't be fair. Not to the good coaching staff I work with, not to the players on this team, and especially not to me. Let's not forget who this whole resigning business is about, anyway. If I could leave you with one thought, remember... it wasn't me. They're trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single person in this town is going to be practicing and running wind sprints for 100 hours a week. 100 hours. You have one day."
Mary Sue: One day for what?
Rich Rod: That's... they always give an ultimatum.
Mary Sue: OK.
Rich Rod: Good, cut?
Mary Sue: Cut. That was your best apology video ever.
Rich Rod: Thought so too.
TO BE CONTINUED...