Sources: MSU Offensive Lineman Ripped Apart by Vicious Allosaurus

Nobu Tamura, through the Wikimedia Commons

MSU Scientists: "Shocked. Well, about the Allosaurus, anyways."

“Pretty demoralizing.”

Another set-back struck an already heavily-hit unit, as an unnamed Michigan State offensive lineman was devoured, noisily, by a 28 foot tall, 2000 pound, dinosaur, previously thought to be extinct, earlier this morning. Out of respect for the player's family, the school has not yet named which player suffered the fatal attack from the enormous, cold-blooded, killer.

“It was the darnedest thing.” said one member of the Strength and Conditioning staff who was present on the scene, “It busted right into our practice facility during a voluntary workout, lumbered right past a couple of other position groups, paused over the offensive linemen, and then plucked one into its mouth like a big ol' Chicken McNugget.”

The dinosaur, whose fossils were first discovered in the mid 1800's, is a member of the allosauridae family, and was said to feed primarily on the young of other large, herbivore, dinosaurs.

The arrival of the over two-story reptile at an MSU workout was an understandably challenging interruption. “Well, as an offensive lineman, it's hard to deal with a on-rushing, two ton, killing machine. I mean, this thing was like... twice as big as some of the kids they face out on the field.” explained one MSU coach.

“Obviously, any day where you lose a player to injuries is sad,” said a source within the Athletic Department, “Both Skyler Burkland and Joel Foreman had to step away from the game recently, and our hearts go out to them. But, I think it's especially sad when a player is eaten, alive, by a hulking Jurassic-period monster. We'd offer to keep him on scholarship, but, I mean, there's not much left of him.”

Michigan State's offensive line has undergone a series of injuries and bad luck, leading some fans to blame an 'Angry Michigan State Offensive Line Hating God'. While no link between the aforementioned AMSOLHG and the ravenous Allosaurus has yet been established, those involved are unwilling to rule anything out.

University Zoologists: “Yeah, it's crazy. Though, on second thought, not that crazy.”

Members of Michigan State's natural science departments offered their own takes on the appearance of the assumed long-dead lizard.

“So, any time an animal last thought to be alive 150 million years ago pops up on the radar, that's something that makes you sit up in your chair, as a man of science.” explained one professor of archaeology, “But the offensive line thing?” he sighed, “I mean, God, it's just the way things have been going with those guys, isn't it? It just sucks.”

Saying the event was "totally serious" and "definitely not a joke", Michigan State professors and researchers explained that they in no way saw the arrival of an actual, real-live, dinosaur to the campus of the East Lansing-based University.

“It's like something out of a movie.” another professor said, “Jurassic Park come to life, you know? It's unbelievable. I mean, the Allosaurus part that is.” she clarified, “The part about him eating one of our O-Linemen is all too goddamn believable. They can't catch a break.” she added, muttering under her breath.

"No place on this team for Allosauruses"

The staff at MSU did unequivocally state that they would not be recruiting the terrifying, bipedal, croco-beast.

“Uh, we ultimately thought our players would find it unsettling to play alongside someone who did that to a former teammate.” a source within the football program stated, “Eating teammates is not a value that we preach in this program, and it's not something we look for in potential recruits.”

However, we've been told that some of the region's MAC schools, as well as one Big Ten coach, have already reached out to the primitive, mindless, carnivore; seeing the possibilities in the admittedly raw recruit. “Look, if I have another losing season, I'm fired.” offered up one head coach who preferred to remain anonymous, “The recruiting game has changed. Sometimes you roll the dice on a talented prospect who just needs a second chance. We think Big Al can help us out.”

When informed the dinosaur was currently facing murder charges, the coach seemed undeterred, “We're gonna let the legal process play out, and that's all I'm gonna say about that.” When informed he'd likely committed a secondary recruiting violation by mentioning a specific recruit, before he'd signed his letter of intent, the coach laughed, “Thank you for letting me know that. We take those sorts of violations verrrry seriously.” he said, while making a wanking motion that this reporter would describe as, 'dismissive'.

Reports of a second lineman falling into a, 'Like, for real, actual, pit, filled with huge-ass poisonous snakes." are currently unconfirmed.

Author's note: The event listed above is totally unserious and is definitely a joke. What should have tipped you off was the idea of me breaking a story, having sources, or getting direct quotes from, well, anyone. Well, that, or the prominently featured dinosaur angle.

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