East Lansing, MI --
Mark Dantonio strode out with a quizzical look on his face.
"I'd like to congratulate our defense on a job well done. Two weeks in a row with multiple touchdowns, Shilique Calhoun leads our team in touchdowns. They're doing such a fantastic job we've decided to put them on the field all sixty minutes of the game next week against Youngstown State. We'll follow up with the NCAA to see if it's possible to allow YSU to punt and then take over immediately following. If that doesn't work we'll just line 'em up in the Victory Formation and kneel three downs.
As I think on it, that's probably the better answer anyway. By kneeling in the Victory Formation we chew up two minutes of clock. USF had 15 drives today which netted us 14 points and would have resulted in 30 minutes of downtime for the defense. We also eliminate any potential issues with turnovers. If we can continue this level of production we can win all of our games by a disturbingly low margin of victory. Any questions?"
"Coach, talk about what the odds are of Damion Terry playing in next week's game."
"Damion Terry's availability was limited this week due to an injured hand and a case of strep throat. If we are able to get him some snaps this week you could see him in the V-Formation. That's what we call our Victory Formation, the V-Formation."
"Coach, can you talk about some of the playcalling this week?"
"We're always looking to improve our ability to move the ball down the field and make explosive plays. By eliminating the need for explosive plays we no longer need to be upset by the struggle to achieve those plays. It's a bit of eastern philosophy woven into our offensive philosophy.
This upcoming week, we plan to only practice the V-Formation although you never know what unlikely thing we might cook up. We have a play we run out of the V called the Fullback Dive. You'll never guess what that is."
"You mentioned what you might cook up just a second ago. Does that mean we can expect Connor Cook to start this week?"
"We will keep the details of our QB rotation in-house until we've had a chance to review the film. We are looking for the QB who is in the best position to receive a snap and place his knee on the ground. If he is capable of running the next 39 seconds off the clock we'll consider that a bonus. Should the V-Formation break down, I'd like to see which guy is best capable to create and drop back a yard before placing his knee on the ground.
Any other questions? ....
Thanks and Go Green."
This is obviously a work of fiction. No one affiliated with MSU gave any sort of interview or consent for this story. It's all made up. I wrote this because rooting for MSU football is supposed to be fun. While the offense is probably going to be vexing all year, bitching all season about the offense is already growing tiresome.