An Interview with Not Bret Bielema

Not Bret Bielema, keeper for the twitter account @BeingBielema has joined us for an interview before Saturday's rivalry game. Follow him on twitter for an uncanny peek behind the mind of everyone's favorite Wisconsin coach Bret Bielema.

1.) Before we get down to business, you married a touchdown model this past spring. Before you go into the awful grind of what married life is like, can you please tell us your favorite memory from your bachelor party?

From what I remember, it was f'n rad. My boys and I went to Vegas, you know, big timer style. My boy Schmitty is a high roller, he got us comped at Caesar's Palace. Again, Biel's rolls deep, big timers. All I remember is we got done with the Blue Man Group and someone thought it'd be a great idea to go up to the roof of the hotel. So, we got up there, Burmeister made an awkward speech and we got loaded up. Last thing I remember is waking up with 5 to 8 girls in my bed and I had a raging Bielemonster to go along with my raging headache. I walked out into the living room of the hotel room and we couldn't find Schmitty... and there were dead parrots in the microwave. Wild, wild story. Ended up finding Schmitty on the roof. Crazy bastard.

2.) How is married life? What's your biggest challenge about being married during football season?

The only promise I had to keep when Jen proposed to me was that I had dishes duty. It's a struggle keeping up on dishes during the week. I am in the office or at Brats most of the time, so rarely am I home. When I am home, I just eat Easy Mac with a plastic spoon so I can throw the bowl and spoon away. Biels is always one step ahead of the game.

3.) You fired your offensive line coach after just two games this season. When asked about the firing, you said "Panic is for the outside world. Reality is what I live with." What does that mean?

Everywhere you go, there you are. When you come to a spoon in the road, pick it up. Biels has all sorts of lines in my bag of tricks. They really motivate our guys and keep them grounded. As far as Paul Chryst? That guy had dreams bigger than his boots would fit. See, another good line.

Just look at Pitt right now, are they even a D1 football program anymore? I think not. Look, Biels doesn't like attrition as much as the next guy, but it's life. When given oranges, make orange juice.

4.) You're coming off a huge rivalry game against Minnesota, how do keep the focus on this week's game against Michigan State? Are there any motivational gimmicks you have in mind?

I am not sure you can call Minnesota a rival. I guess since we play for Paul Bunyan's axe and such, the outside world considers it a rivalry, but unless you can compete year in and year out, you're just another bye week for Big W.

As far as Sparty, I am more concerned for the health of Dantonio. That guy looks like has one foot in the grave, which is perfect timing for him with Halloween next week. Dude doesn't need to get a costume, he can go as an extra from The Walking Dead. Come to think of it, I sent him some Centrum Silver last year, not sure if he took any or not, but what do I know? I'm not a frickin' doctor.

Sparty is just another mosquito in the ointment. I have the boys watching 300 every night. We watch some past game film as well, but we just go about business and worry about the Big W and making sure Montee doesn't get his ass jumped again.

5.) Did you or did you not cry after Kirk Cousins completed that Hail Mary last year?

I have no clue what you're talking about.

6.) Do you have a postgame ritual after a win? After a loss?

Ritual is the same. I take off my windbreaker and iron it. Then hang it up nicely and put it in a garment bag. I eat wings, I watch a little football, I do a couple thousand curls, I kiss my wife goodbye & then I get shit stinking drunk. I usually head down to the Kollege Klub & just dance out my joy or frustrations. That's how Biels does it on a Saturday. I usually end up sleeping in the film room at the complex while watching Back To The Future III.

7.) How confident are you in victory on Saturday? Confident like the Dos Equis guy or confident like Keith Stone?

I'm more confident than those two scrotes put together. The only thing I'm more confident in is that Brady Hoke tips the scales at over 3 bills. It's nice that we can all hate Michigan, right? Seriously though, Bucky is going to bring the pain on Saturday. Just promise there won't be any crying when we run up the score. And I promise to look like the sexy god I am on the sidelines.

If you're not following @BeingBielema this week, you're doing it wrong.